Someone once told me that guilt is punishing yourself before God does. The path you choose is paved with the choices you make, which will be subconsciously associated with how you feel about those choices. We were all raised differently, treated differently and that basic line of treatment is going to predict how we treat others and ourselves down the road. I believe the deposits and/or withdrawals you make in people’s lives will be the same deposits and withdrawals you make within your own. Don’t punish other people because you feel they may hurt you first. I struggle with allowing people to get too close, and that’s okay. Although not everyone deserves your love and effort, everyone deserves to be treated with respect. One who lashes out without blatant cause is a scarred soul wrapped in a tangled spirit whose goal is to essentially keep others around them under the tide so they don’t drown themselves.
“Kill it before it kills you,” is something I created to give myself an excuse to hurt people. The sad thing is, I’m just now realizing this while typing. If this is how we view life, friendship and romantic relationships then there will be nothing left in the end. Worrying before it happens, predicting the outcome without any reasonable cause. I don’t want to be the person that stands alone in a circle of dead bodies. I don’t want to be the person that causes the tears to form in your eyes before you’ve raised a hand. I don’t want to be the girl who makes you fight for your life when your oxygen isn’t being threatened. We have coping mechanisms, whether we run before the chase or we build brick walls without being in a war. Build walls to reach a state of serenity and peace within yourself.
I have used hurting myself as an anesthetic from past injuries. I have also inflicted pain upon myself as punishment for the things I’ve done to other people. It’s a nasty cycle. We hurt people because they’ve hurt us, we punish ourselves for hurting other people, people punish us because they’ve been hurt. It’s all a merry go round of self condemnation laced with pity and pain, but it can be medicated. Remember who you were before your first heartbreak. Don’t lose your twinkle, don’t forget what gave you your spark before someone tried to dim it out. Remember how you felt the first time a girl or a boy kissed you. Remember how much you used to be capable of giving, without the expectation or the desire for praise. Go into relationships and life with the luminescence you had before you were ever ripped to pieces. You can break the cycle of self harm by treating people the way you want to be treated. Every person has been through something that made them feel like they wanted to die, but who we are is how we handle these situations. Be the difference, be your own happiness, make someone smile and be the change you beg to see from the world.
And know, someone is looking to you for guidance.